Monday, September 21, 2020

or, Beagle to Doghouse, things are going great

Truth Be Told

Matthew West


Lie number one: You're supposed to have it all together

And when they ask how you're doin', just smile and tell them, "Never better"

Lie number two: Everybody's life is perfect except yours

So keep your messes and your wounds and your secrets safe with you behind closed doors


But truth be told

The truth is rarely told, no...


I say, "I'm fine, yeah, I'm fine, oh, I'm fine, hey, I'm fine"

But I'm not, I'm broken

And when it's out of control I say it's under control

But it's not and You know it

I don't know why it's so hard to admit it

When bein' honest is the only way to fix it

There's no failure, no fall

There's no sin You don't already know

So let the truth be told


There's a sign on the door, says, "Come as you are" but I doubt it

'Cause if we lived like that was true, every Sunday mornin' pew would be crowded

But didn't You say church should look more like a hospital?

A safe place for the sick, the sinner and the scarred, and the prodigals, like me


But truth be told, the truth is rarely told

Oh, am I the only one who says...


"I'm fine, yeah, I'm fine, oh, I'm fine, hey, I'm fine"

But I'm not, I'm broken

And when it's out of control I say it's under control

But it's not and You know it

I don't know why it's so hard to admit it

When bein' honest is the only way to fix it

There's no failure, no fall

There's no sin You don't already know

So let the truth be told


Can I really stand here unashamed

Knowin' that Your love for me won't change?

Oh God, if that's really true

Then let the truth be told


I say, "I'm fine, yeah, I'm fine, oh, I'm fine, hey, I'm fine"

But I'm not, I'm broken

And when it's out of control I say it's under control

But it's not and You know it

I don't know why it's so hard to admit it

When bein' honest is the only way to fix it

There's no failure, no fall

There's no sin You don't already know

Yeah, I know

There's no failure, no fall

There's no sin You don't already know

So let the truth be told

Back to Back on Sirius 63, or

Save My Life

Sidewalk Prophets


Tell me what I need to hear

Tell me that I’m not forgotten

Show me there’s a God

Who can be more than all I’ve ever wanted

‘Cause right now I need a little hope

I need to know that I’m not alone

Maybe God is calling you tonight

To tell me something

That might save my life


Monday, April 20, 2020

I gotta make it, these people depend on me

Fight Song

Rachel Platten


Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (in too deep)
And it's been two years I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
Still believe
Yeah, I still believe

Saturday, April 18, 2020

Thousand yard stare

I feel like I died a long time ago. The Steven of the 20s, the smart one, the successful one. I remember writing that I had no hope.

And I feel like I died again two years ago, when I took two jobs.
When I began rationalizing "I have to take care of the moneymaker." When I accepted that my contribution to the family was reduced to 💰, even if it was large amounts of money.

And I died again during the holiday season, when my schedule didn't change - both jobs on my birthday (let's not talk about birthdays), both jobs on Christmas. It's not a holiday if I don't truly celebrate it, if I have to ration my waking hours for the evening and night of work.
And once again, I hate the holiday season - the cheap fake Hallmark, the chase of the gift, and a terribly unsatisfying payoff.

4/27/2019: " I am not worried about Atlas shrugging
I'm worried that someday poor Atlas will just drop dead."

5/6/2019: "Anyone else wonder how in the hell you got from where you were 15 years ago to where you are now?"

7/19/2019: "Something has to change."

8/27/2019: " I feel like I need to get back into the game. I don't know if there's room, and I don't know if I can make it work. But..."

8/27/2019: "Trying to properly set my sleep schedule based on my totally screwed up work schedule sometimes goes sideways, and I'm awake when I need to be sleeping, and..."

9/22/2019: "The problem with being a overworked isolated reticent introvert
Is that you'd never be able to tell if I was giving you the silent treatment."

1/1/2020: "Just busy giving life the ol' John Henry."
(Yeah. Compared my life to the black folk hero who worked himself to death.)

1/22/2020: "It 's easy when you're ¾ dead and numb on the inside."
(And again and again)

1/24/2020: "I have learned how much I can endure.
I haven't yet learned how long I can endure it."
(Ha!)

2/12/2020: "So much work.
There is no rest until death."

Pearls

It's not that I have nothing to say.
It's that I've learned - over and over again - that not everything I think is worth saying will be appreciated.
And there's a difference between honest disagreement, pointing out flaws in an argument, and just making it clear that you should've just kept your month shut.

Some people don't want to have their urban legends debunked.
Some people will laugh at you when you tell them about the scariest day in your life.
Some people will tell you that your describing the challenges is just listening to the enemy.

Maybe I don't have nothing to say
But there's very little left I'm willing to risk putting out there.

Monday, November 25, 2019

Dickens - the other one

Wanted to get at least one #mondaymelody up before year's end.

Found this one...

Styx
The Best of Times

Tonight's the night we'll make history, honey, you and I
And I'll take any risk to tie back the hands of time
And stay with you here tonight
I know you feel these are the worst of times
I do believe it's true
When people lock their doors and hide inside
Rumor has it it's the end of Paradise
But I know, if the world just passed us by
Baby I know, you wouldn't have to cry

The best of times are when I'm alone with you
Some rain some shine, we'll make this a world for two
Our memories of yesterday will last a lifetime
We'll take the best, forget the rest
And someday we'll find these are the best of times
These are the best of times

The headlines read 'these are the worst of times'
I do believe it's true
I feel so helpless like a boat against the tide
I wish the summer winds could bring back Paradise
But I know, if the world turned upside down
Baby, I know you'd always be around

The best of times are when I'm alone with you
Some rain some shine, we'll make this a world for two
Our memories of yesterday will last a lifetime
We'll take the best, forget the rest
And someday we'll find these are the best of times
These are the best of times

And so my friends we'll say goodnight
For time has claimed it's prize
But tonight will always last
As long as we keep alive memories of Paradise...

Saturday, July 20, 2019

Bland, boring, flexible.

You keep changing what you like...
You don't care about anything anymore...
You are impossible to shop for at Christmas...

And I'm trying to figure out how much of that is the Bland setting in with the Busy.

I have been known to download apps on my phone, play them for a while, and once they get too hard or too addictive or too demanding, just delete them
(Candy Crush, FIFA among others)

Sports...see other blog.

TV... while my FB feed was full of people looking forward to the next ep of Game of Boobs, I was trying to finish watching Star Trek: Deep Space 9. And now I'm picking from some of the better episodes of the original Star trek series. I have a TV in my bedroom, I never turn it on.
 I usually watch Netflix in the living room.
 There's a cable TV app for my cable provider where I can watch any of the channels we have, I never use it except when my wife wants me to figure out why it's not working.

My wife is mad that there's so little I deeply care about. I'm trying to figure out how much of that is a safety mechanism, realizing how busy I am and how I have to be FLEXIBLE...

That's the word of the decade. Flexible. Being able to find employment based on everyone else's needs.

Night shift. Work from home. Not taking the job when it outsourced 37 miles away. Second shift. Grocery runs in the middle of delivery runs.

I occasionally ask Ivy how she would feel if I got a six-figure job (which is more than we've ever made combined right now) where I had to be at my desk from 8 to 5, 30 to 50 miles away in the big city. To her that's a nightmare.

Rambling, but I guess I'm thinking about both the bland and the flexible and how they relate, how I'm bent ten different ways like a pipe cleaner.

I tried to imagine what I would do with a massive windfall. And after all the essentials, I drew a blank. Besides generic "success" / having enough for everyone else to do what they want...

Except...I keep coming back to Julia Roberts' character with Eggs Benedict...