15 years ago, I talked to a friend of mine about some of the problems I was having with living at college. I felt like an outsider, without strong relationships with my classmates, my friends from the various groups I attended, et cetera. And when I say talked I mean wrote letters longhand. And several of them were tear- stained, something that's odd even for me. I didn't really get an answer from my friend, and I spent most of the last 15 years struggling with perceived isolation and perceived irrelevance.
I felt this way about several of my jobs, including my eight years as a programmer in Leavenworth. I was the youngest , I was the one who wasn't buying new cars new trucks big houses and I have to concede that a jealousy hit hard those days. I still have problems with jealousy - ask my wife how I feel about the Legends shopping center. (Like a lactose intolerant ice cream truck driver, or just so painfully jealous that I never never want to go there again.)
The young adults group at the church in St. Joseph was another example of me being the outsider. Young with family, many miles away, and not part of the old group, I wasn't one of them.
Then we have perhaps my best-case of dream becomes a nightmare, city of Severance. The only geek in the town. The only Big Town guy in a very very small town, or at least it felt like it. The only reason I was on the city council was because there was an opening there and the city was short on volunteers. They didn't ask me for advice. For various reasons they tried to get me off the council at several times, and I suppose reasonably so. For various reasons I'm very glad we got out of Severance and I promise you no one misses me.
And then there was my blog. Two of them. With very very few comments or readers. Just proof that my ideas were either irrelevant, or no one wants to change their mind (yeah, no one does)
I'm lost my confidence on my skills and opinions, so I've got no point speaking my mind if I'm not even sure I'm right. Hard enough to persuade when one is persuaded.
So what is it? Was it being homeschooled that possibly affected me? Or the attempted following of Gothard ? (imagine Duggars with an alcoholic father) Or being a genius and therefore accelerate ahead of my peers? (high school graduate 15, bachelor's graduate 19)
Or being the adult child of a now deceased alcoholic?
But this has been a problem for years...
I want to be somebody.