Saturday, September 24, 2016

Honesty, the brutal kind

"I was once asked what my best characteristic was. My answer was 'I have none.' "

That answer surprised my wife (who answered "my desire to be a good father") and my pastor's wife (who commented that that answer was "just wrong"), but in my honest moments... That's my conclusion.

 It just hurts when I take a reasonable assessment of my life and realize how much I've wasted; too many opportunities I missed; how little I've improved, if improved is even an accurate verb to use. I probably didn't realize how spot on my warning to my friend was 15 years ago, don't marry a lesser man than me.  Some days, I conclude that I have no good qualities anymore.

My contribution to the family is approximately a paycheck smaller than my wife's, 20 fights a week,  and an amount of chores done that the four year old at church would exceed, more complaining that all four of my teenage children, less faith than any of them, and interests in politics, math, video games, it's all useless. Just like me.

I suppose there is some sort of rigorous routine of directed action that would mold me into the man I was supposed to be, the man I want to become something useful. But I don't know what I would have to do, and experience shows I don't have the endurance to carry it out three days, let alone 90 days or a lifetime.

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