He Remains Faithful

 She said that she looked over her life, and that the Brooklyn Tabernacle choir song "He's been faithful"... That the song fit. In both her times close to the Lord and far from the Lord, the Lord had still been faithful to her.

And it was very encouraging to hear to say that, very encouraging to hear her happy.

-----

He's Been Faithful

Carol Cymbala / Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir 

In my moments of fear

Through every pain and every tear

There's a God who's been faithful to me

And when my strength was all gone

When my heart had no song

Still enough, He's proved faithful to me

And every word He has promised is true

And what I thought was impossible, I've seen my God do

He's been faithful, faithful to me

Looking back, His love and mercy I see (oh, I can see)

Though in my heart, I have questioned, even failed to believe

But He's been faithful

So faithful to me (to me)

And when my heart looked away

The many times, I could not pray

Still, my God, He was faithful to me

The days I spent so selfishly

Just reaching out for what pleased me

Even then, God was faithful to me

Every time that I'd come back to Him

He is waiting with open arms and I see once again

He's been faithful, faithful to me

God, You are so faithful

Looking back, His love and mercy I see

So that I can see

Though in my heart, I have questioned, even failed to believe

That He's been faithful, so faithful

Faithful, faithful

In my heart, I have questioned, I've even failed to believe

But He's been faithful, so faithful

In my heart, I have questioned, I have even failed to believe

But oh, He's been so faithful

So faithful to me

Oh God, You have always been faithful

Even when I failed to believe You, oh (faithful)

Faithful (faithful)

So faithful to me

Old People and their bad habit of dying

 I am Steven.

Son of Christine and William

Grandson of Diann and Ed, Ruby and James

Great grandson of Catherine and Elmer, Frances and Albert, Tsona and Peter, John and Allison.

An American mutt of Northwest European descent.

.....

Ten years ago today, my father died.

I posted a few years ago (http://romans-837.blogspot.com/2017/09/four-years-gone.html) a few thoughts about having lost him, and conversations I never got to have with him.

And now there's more I wish I could talk to him about. The challenges, the grind, the things I've learned...

I owe him so much and in some ways I'm so much like him.

.....

January 4, 2038.

The day that I would be my dad's age. 

And, with both his early passing and my wife's medical issues, the words of the Riverside Captain come to mind.

"And how we deal with death is at least as important as how we deal with life, wouldn't you say?"

memento mori

4-9-22 Brass

 The 21st Anniversary.

The "Thank God she didn't die last year" Anniversary.

Yeah. 

Very short version: Ivy almost died from COVID-19 last December. But she survived (Thank God) and she came home on New Year's Eve. It's been a long recovery, and she's got a long way to go.

But today, we celebrate.

Twenty One

My Girl

Elvie Shane

[Verse 1]

She ain't got my smile, that don't bother me a bit

She's got somebody else's eyes I'm seeing myself in

I'm holding on to every moment, God knows I've missed a few

The day we met I knew I had some catching up to do

[Chorus]

She ain't my blood, ain't got my name

But if she did, I'd feel the same

I wasn't there for her first steps

But I ain't missed a ball game yet

And that ain't ever gonna change

I could never walk away

Yeah, she's my girl and that's my choice

She ain't my blood but she's my, she's my girl

[Verse 2]

It hit me like a train, the first time she called me dad

In a three stick figure crayon picture with all of us holding hands

Her mama said, "I understand if it's too soon for this"

I didn't let her finish, I took it to the kitchen and I stuck it on the fridge, yeah

[Chorus]

She ain't my blood, ain't got my name

But if she did, I'd feel the same

I wasn't there for her first steps

But I ain't missed a ball game yet

And that ain't ever gonna change

I could never walk away

Yeah, she's my girl and that's my choice

She ain't my blood but she's my, she's my girl

[Bridge]

She's Saturday morning cartoons

She's "Hey, can I sleep in your room?"

She's bigger than the plans I had

She's making me a better man

[Chorus]

She ain't my blood, ain't got my name

But if she did, I'd feel the same

I wasn't there for her first steps

But I ain't missed a ball game yet

And that ain't ever gonna change

I could never walk away

Yeah, she's my girl and that's my choice

She ain't my blood but she's my, she's my girl

she's my, she's my girl

or, Beagle to Doghouse, things are going great

Truth Be Told

Matthew West

Lie number one: You're supposed to have it all together

And when they ask how you're doin', just smile and tell them, "Never better"

Lie number two: Everybody's life is perfect except yours

So keep your messes and your wounds and your secrets safe with you behind closed doors

But truth be told

The truth is rarely told, no...

I say, "I'm fine, yeah, I'm fine, oh, I'm fine, hey, I'm fine"

But I'm not, I'm broken

And when it's out of control I say it's under control

But it's not and You know it

I don't know why it's so hard to admit it

When bein' honest is the only way to fix it

There's no failure, no fall

There's no sin You don't already know

So let the truth be told

There's a sign on the door, says, "Come as you are" but I doubt it

'Cause if we lived like that was true, every Sunday mornin' pew would be crowded

But didn't You say church should look more like a hospital?

A safe place for the sick, the sinner and the scarred, and the prodigals, like me

But truth be told, the truth is rarely told

Oh, am I the only one who says...

"I'm fine, yeah, I'm fine, oh, I'm fine, hey, I'm fine"

But I'm not, I'm broken

And when it's out of control I say it's under control

But it's not and You know it

I don't know why it's so hard to admit it

When bein' honest is the only way to fix it

There's no failure, no fall

There's no sin You don't already know

So let the truth be told

Can I really stand here unashamed

Knowin' that Your love for me won't change?

Oh God, if that's really true

Then let the truth be told

I say, "I'm fine, yeah, I'm fine, oh, I'm fine, hey, I'm fine"

But I'm not, I'm broken

And when it's out of control I say it's under control

But it's not and You know it

I don't know why it's so hard to admit it

When bein' honest is the only way to fix it

There's no failure, no fall

There's no sin You don't already know

Yeah, I know

There's no failure, no fall

There's no sin You don't already know

So let the truth be told

Back to Back on Sirius 63, or

Save My Life

Sidewalk Prophets

Tell me what I need to hear

Tell me that I’m not forgotten

Show me there’s a God

Who can be more than all I’ve ever wanted

‘Cause right now I need a little hope

I need to know that I’m not alone

Maybe God is calling you tonight

To tell me something

That might save my life

I gotta make it, these people depend on me

Fight Song

Rachel Platten


Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (in too deep)
And it's been two years I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
Still believe
Yeah, I still believe

Thousand yard stare

I feel like I died a long time ago. The Steven of the 20s, the smart one, the successful one. I remember writing that I had no hope.

And I feel like I died again two years ago, when I took two jobs.
When I began rationalizing "I have to take care of the moneymaker." When I accepted that my contribution to the family was reduced to 💰, even if it was large amounts of money.

And I died again during the holiday season, when my schedule didn't change - both jobs on my birthday (let's not talk about birthdays), both jobs on Christmas. It's not a holiday if I don't truly celebrate it, if I have to ration my waking hours for the evening and night of work.
And once again, I hate the holiday season - the cheap fake Hallmark, the chase of the gift, and a terribly unsatisfying payoff.

4/27/2019: " I am not worried about Atlas shrugging
I'm worried that someday poor Atlas will just drop dead."

5/6/2019: "Anyone else wonder how in the hell you got from where you were 15 years ago to where you are now?"

7/19/2019: "Something has to change."

8/27/2019: " I feel like I need to get back into the game. I don't know if there's room, and I don't know if I can make it work. But..."

8/27/2019: "Trying to properly set my sleep schedule based on my totally screwed up work schedule sometimes goes sideways, and I'm awake when I need to be sleeping, and..."

9/22/2019: "The problem with being a overworked isolated reticent introvert
Is that you'd never be able to tell if I was giving you the silent treatment."

1/1/2020: "Just busy giving life the ol' John Henry."
(Yeah. Compared my life to the black folk hero who worked himself to death.)

1/22/2020: "It 's easy when you're ¾ dead and numb on the inside."
(And again and again)

1/24/2020: "I have learned how much I can endure.
I haven't yet learned how long I can endure it."
(Ha!)

2/12/2020: "So much work.
There is no rest until death."

Pearls

It's not that I have nothing to say.
It's that I've learned - over and over again - that not everything I think is worth saying will be appreciated.
And there's a difference between honest disagreement, pointing out flaws in an argument, and just making it clear that you should've just kept your month shut.

Some people don't want to have their urban legends debunked.
Some people will laugh at you when you tell them about the scariest day in your life.
Some people will tell you that your describing the challenges is just listening to the enemy.

Maybe I don't have nothing to say
But there's very little left I'm willing to risk putting out there.

Dickens - the other one

Wanted to get at least one #mondaymelody up before year's end.

Found this one...

Styx
The Best of Times

Tonight's the night we'll make history, honey, you and I
And I'll take any risk to tie back the hands of time
And stay with you here tonight
I know you feel these are the worst of times
I do believe it's true
When people lock their doors and hide inside
Rumor has it it's the end of Paradise
But I know, if the world just passed us by
Baby I know, you wouldn't have to cry

The best of times are when I'm alone with you
Some rain some shine, we'll make this a world for two
Our memories of yesterday will last a lifetime
We'll take the best, forget the rest
And someday we'll find these are the best of times
These are the best of times

The headlines read 'these are the worst of times'
I do believe it's true
I feel so helpless like a boat against the tide
I wish the summer winds could bring back Paradise
But I know, if the world turned upside down
Baby, I know you'd always be around

The best of times are when I'm alone with you
Some rain some shine, we'll make this a world for two
Our memories of yesterday will last a lifetime
We'll take the best, forget the rest
And someday we'll find these are the best of times
These are the best of times

And so my friends we'll say goodnight
For time has claimed it's prize
But tonight will always last
As long as we keep alive memories of Paradise...

Bland, boring, flexible.

You keep changing what you like...
You don't care about anything anymore...
You are impossible to shop for at Christmas...

And I'm trying to figure out how much of that is the Bland setting in with the Busy.

I have been known to download apps on my phone, play them for a while, and once they get too hard or too addictive or too demanding, just delete them
(Candy Crush, FIFA among others)

Sports...see other blog.

TV... while my FB feed was full of people looking forward to the next ep of Game of Boobs, I was trying to finish watching Star Trek: Deep Space 9. And now I'm picking from some of the better episodes of the original Star trek series. I have a TV in my bedroom, I never turn it on.
 I usually watch Netflix in the living room.
 There's a cable TV app for my cable provider where I can watch any of the channels we have, I never use it except when my wife wants me to figure out why it's not working.

My wife is mad that there's so little I deeply care about. I'm trying to figure out how much of that is a safety mechanism, realizing how busy I am and how I have to be FLEXIBLE...

That's the word of the decade. Flexible. Being able to find employment based on everyone else's needs.

Night shift. Work from home. Not taking the job when it outsourced 37 miles away. Second shift. Grocery runs in the middle of delivery runs.

I occasionally ask Ivy how she would feel if I got a six-figure job (which is more than we've ever made combined right now) where I had to be at my desk from 8 to 5, 30 to 50 miles away in the big city. To her that's a nightmare.

Rambling, but I guess I'm thinking about both the bland and the flexible and how they relate, how I'm bent ten different ways like a pipe cleaner.

I tried to imagine what I would do with a massive windfall. And after all the essentials, I drew a blank. Besides generic "success" / having enough for everyone else to do what they want...

Except...I keep coming back to Julia Roberts' character with Eggs Benedict...

Playing ball without me

I think I've hit the point where I follow sports only to have intelligent conversation at the water cooler.

The two biggest KC games in the last year: MLS Sporting KC conference final, second leg (11/29/18, L 2-3)
NFL KC Chiefs conference final (1/20/19, L 31-37 OT)

I drove to pick up my daughter during the first game.
I watched the first half, then went to bed for the second half and overtime of the second game.

(Yeah, I should probably turn in my fan card now)

I'm already priced out of going to the stadium, buying jerseys and major merch (for the record, I have a SKC keychain... somewhere, and a Chiefs lanyard that I keep my keys on so I don't lock myself out of my car)

Part of it is the irregular schedule. I've been working 50+ hours for 18 months now. I have to make choices.

And part of it is ... (See other blog)

I'm not shaming people who enjoy major league sports or go to the stadium or buy jerseys.

I'm just saying that I don't fit.

When I dream of old Missouri

Got a letter in the mail.
Alumni directory.

I called to update my information.

And then the questions started coming, what is your current career headline?

(I could say customer service expert, which doesn't say much, or say computer programmer but I haven't done that in 8 years)

837: Let's leave that blank

What's your current occupation

(Driving Chinese making $17 an hour and stocking overnight at Price Chopper...
But do I want to put that in a college directory)

Let's leave that one blank for now

...

well we have a beautiful directory with this perk that perk and the other perk, for a tax-deductible contribution of $25 and 2 easy payments of $169

*click*

Seriously, I think I could do quite well not thinking about my college degree.

Everyone asks, why aren't you in the computer field... Life happens and some of my skills are in programming languages and tools that are two decades-old.

I graduated summa cum laude from my college in the class of 2000, and now I'm making more doing two jobs and none of them require even a high school degree, than I ever did as a computer programmer working 40 hours a week with occasional business trips.

I occasionally toyed with the idea of pointing out to the computer science math and physics department of my college that one of their alumni is a occasional contributor to a feature on one of the world's most popular blogs. https://fivethirtyeight.com/?s=Steven+pratt

But then there'd be conversations like the one at the top of this page to make me go, nah.

The glory days are gone.

Just Another Day

Anniversary (11)
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Thanksgiving (0)

Birthday (7½)
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Christmas Eve (13½)
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Christmas Day (5)
1600-2100

New Year's Eve (16½)
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New Year's Day '19 (11½)
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Most of the time, people give a really weird look when you say "It's Just Another Day" but looking at the big days of 2018, I'm just continuing to march on the treadmill.

Two real days off in the second half of '18 - one sick day and one holiday.

On the one hand, the one constant of this decade has been change... I'm on jobs 8 and 9 this decade. But on the other hand I don't see anything changing or any pressure being relieved from the situation.

Bill still come due and they got to be paid somehow.

Lord Jesus give me strength.

My children's Eclipse skit

In honor of our church drama team and the play they just performed...

MM # 114
P.O.D.
Youth of the Nation

Last day of the rest of my life
I wish I would've known
Cause I didn't kiss my mama goodbye

I didn't tell her that I loved her and how much I care
Or thank my pops for all the talks
And all the wisdom he shared

Unaware, I just did what I always do
Everyday, the same routine
Before I skate off to school

But who knew that this day wasn't like the rest
Instead of taking a test
I took two to the chest

Call me blind, but I didn't see it coming
Everybody was running
But I couldn't hear nothing

Except gun blasts, it happened so fast
I don't really know this kid
Even though I sit by him in class

Maybe this kid was reaching out for love
Or maybe for a moment
He forgot who he was
Or maybe this kid just wanted to be hugged
Whatever it was
I know it's because

[chorus:]
We are, We are, the youth of the nation

Little Suzy, she was only twelve
She was given the world
With every chance to excel

Hang with the boys and hear the stories they tell
She might act kind of proud
But no respect for herself

She finds love in all the wrong places
The same situations
Just different faces

Changed up her pace since her daddy left her
Too bad he never told her
She deserved much better

Johnny boy always played the fool
He broke all the rules
So you would think he was cool

He was never really one of the guys
No matter how hard he tried
Often thought of suicide

It's kind of hard when you ain't got no friends
He put his life to an end
They might remember him then

You cross the line and there's no turning back
Told the world how he felt
With the sound of a gat

[chorus]

Who's to blame for the lives that tragedies claim
No matter what you say
It don't take away the pain

That I feel inside, I'm tired of all the lies
Don't nobody know why
It's the blind leading the blind

I guess that's the way the story goes
Will it ever make sense
Somebody's got to know

There's got to be more to life than this
There's got to be more to everything
I thought exists


[chorus]

Abernathy

Eight years, eleven months. Then nine more months.

I've spent a quarter of my life, and half of my career working at the last building on the right, before one crosses the bridge over the Missouri River into Missouri from Leavenworth, KS.

I worked as a simulation programmer on the third floor, then we moved to the first floor. Years later, I trained as a call center representative for a bank on the first floor, then made it back to the third floor.

One of those jobs was my highest paying job. The other was my favorite job - and my shortest commute for a full time job.

But, everything changes. The contract for the war game finally expired. The bank outsourced the call center to another company in Lawrence and St. Joseph.
And now, the building has been sold.
And the new owners are going to convert the building into... Apartments.

It's yet another chapter closing, another landmark transforming.  Nothing lasts forever.

Sigh.

Footprints on the moon

Ran another March Madness bracket style contest with my brother. This one finished in the top 5

MM#113

"I'll Be That"
Jimmy Wayne

Baby lay back
Dream out loud
Tell me the things you wish for
And think about

You ain't gonna scare me
No I ain't gonna run
Come on and whisper your fantasies to me
One by one
They may not be as crazy as you think

[Chorus]
The sun in the morning, kissing your skin
A blanket of night that you're wrapped up in
Your lover, that one best friend
I'll be that, I'll be that
The one that'll stand and fight for you
A safe place you can run to
The truth in the words I Do
I'll be that to you

I'll spend forever
Here in your arms
Learning your body language
Til I know it by heart

And I'll be beside you
Whatever you face
You see diamonds are made
Between a rock and a hard place
If you let me
Baby I can be

[Repeat Chorus]

The sky's not the limit
Cause there's footprints on the moon
Just think how far my love would go for you

[Repeat Chorus]

I'll be that to you
Lay back baby
The sun in the morning, kissing your skin
The blanket you're wrapped up in
Oh I'll be that, I'll be that to you

Double duty

I had a day circled on my calendar. The day I'd go from (job + seasonal part time job) to (job + once a week paper route)

My full-time job is overnight stocker at a grocery store. It's the same one that my wife and daughter have worked at for several months.

My part-time job is "costumed sign waver". That job is exactly what it says on the tin.  And with the nature of the business, that job ends on-or-about April 17.

But... There's car repairs. And bills I'm getting caught up on... Slowly.

And *another* offer to be a sign waver. (Didn't see that coming)

I'm not in a position where I can, like one republic says, be not counting dollars now I'm counting stars...
I might take that offer.

I'm not sure which bothers me most
• I have a bachelor's degree in computer science and I'm stocking shelves and waving signs
• ‎I'm working 60-70 hours a week, which leaves little time with wife, children, or grandbaby
• ‎I'm working 60-70 hours a week, wife is working 50-55 hours a week, and I'm not swimming in money a la McDuck's Money Bin

O lamb of God, I come

In honor of the great servant of God, Billy Graham.

MM#112
Just As I Am
Traditional

1) Just as I am, without one plea
But that thy blood was shed for me
And that thou bidd’st me come to thee
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

2) Just as I am and waiting not
To rid my soul of one dark blot,
To thee, whose blood can cleanse each spot,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

3) Just as I am, though tossed about
With many a conflict, many a doubt,
Fightings and fears within, without,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

4) Just as I am, poor, wretched, blind;
Sight, riches, healing of the mind,
Yea, all I need, in thee to find,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

5) Just as I am, thou wilt receive,
Wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve;
Because thy promise I believe,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

6) Just a I am; thy love unknown
Has broken every barrier down;
Now to be thine, yea, thine alone,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Hi and bye

This song seemed to get a lot of play in the fall of 2000, even to the point where I heard someone playing it on the piano at a church getaway...


Reminds me of being away from my girl and only seeing her now and again...


MM#111
Richard Marx
Wherever You Go


Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain

If I see you next to never
How can we say forever

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted, all the times
That I thought would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now


Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me going crazy


Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me going crazy


Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
Waiting for you



Happy #29, Mrs G.